Another Word for Strong
by Allthequirkythings
Summary: Sei hears a voice in her head. Kira has his full of regret. Maybe she'll open his walls, but she's only a student. Maybe he'll pull her out of the dark, but then again, he's a Captain. Add Aizen, poetry, and Quincies, and maybe they'll happen to find romance...but then again, things like that often stay as cryptic as haiku. This is life. (And a bit of action, friends, and love.)
1. Do You Hear the Voices Too?

**Hi, all! **

**This is my first attempt at a Bleach fanfic; if there are any inaccuracies or mistakes that just get in your pants (I see them a lot in my writing) don't be shy to say! **

**Personally, I think the story picks up a bit more in the next chapters- I wrote skipping around, so there's a chance I accidentally tore a hole in the plot, or something. **

**Please review!**

* * *

_The persimmon tree bears fruit_

_Ah, the persimmon tree_

_Bears fruit again this year._

_ Izuru Kira- "The Persimmon Tree"_

"Jinzen," Ito-sama announced, "as we discussed last week, is a truly beautiful thing. The connection between a zanpakutou and its wielder is something forged through years upon decades of understanding and communication. It makes shinigami shinigami. Jinzen is one of the most important actions one can take to ensure the peaceful relationship and harmony between a sword and a wielder. Communicating and spending time-"

Sei raised her hand.

Ito-sama's eyes flitted past her to the couple of Gotei 13 members standing in the back of the courtyard, examining her students. Not today. Today was no day for a question from Sei.

"-time is extremely crucial to the balance of efficiency and skill of a shinigami and their zanpakuto. These swords in your laps, by your graduation, will have been imprinted with your-"

Ichinamori's hand quivered very slightly. She caught a slight shaking of the head from Senri, but ignored it.

"-your very souls. The process, as you all will soon find out, is extremely lengthy and time consuming. The path to-"

Her hand waved enthusiastically.

By now, a few of her students were pausing to cast troubled looks from Sei to their sensei, and the representatives from the Third Squad were watching with curious expressions. Ito-sama quietly apprehended what the girl would say this time.

Not that Sei Ichinamori was not insightful or delightfully interested in her classes. She had progressed dramatically well in shunpo and decently in kidou, but while her swordsmanship awaited improvement, she could stun her opponent long enough with her impressive hand-to-hand combat and agility to land a well-placed jab in the sensitive spots.

She had been rescued from District 80 by the Fifth Division and brought to the academy by Captain Aizen himself- before he vanished four months later with Gin and Tousen.

Junna-sensei could empathize with the girl. She herself was from the borders of North Rukon, and the spirits with energy like Sei's often died from starvation or in the violence that raged the furthest districts.

However, unlike the all-too-many fight-or-die children who were brought to Seireitei from Districts 75 and up, Ichinamori wasn't too keen on violence. It seemed she didn't even want to be a shinigami half the time- which troubled most of her senseis.

And in turn, her questions, though few, were often incredibly philosophical. While Ito-sama had a definite view on the matters most of the time, she glanced dubiously at the Gotei members in the back.

The third team was well-known for their anti-militant views, and as an ex-eleventh division lieutenant, Junna Ito was not sure she would be able to hold her win-or-die tongue well enough as to not offend the Captain and Vice Captain. But she couldn't as well just leave the girl with her arm up like a puppet.

"Ah...yes...Ichinamori-san?"

"We develop our zanpakutou so long just to fight. Why do we fight so much, sensei?" The girl had a pair of eyes like wishing wells. They sparkled, something slightly magical hidden deep inside the water.

"Well..." she bit her tongue, glancing around for a scapegoat. "Ah...I believe our special guests would be better suited for an answer," her teacher suggested, making space as the Captain and his Vice glanced at one another before moving up the aisle.

As they passed, Kira glanced uncertainly at his Vice Captain. A slice of his pale hair covered one eye, and he kept fingering his haori, as if not sure if it was on right- or whether it should be on him in the first place.

Kira Izuru was the exact opposite of his Vice, Sasuke Iori, whose inky hair leaked into the black of her uniform and whose classic face featured smooth cheekbones and full pale lips. She stood dutifully off to one side, one hand on her small dagger and the other clasped primly over it.

"I...I think fighting is a negative thing," the Captain started, voice low. "It is death and destruction, and as a shinigami, our job is to protect the Soul Society against such things as Hollows to avoid the death and destruction. War leads to pain, which is why shinigami such as you must work to prevent it."

"But isn't that counterproductive?" Ichinamori leaned forward, ruffling the waves of hair trailing down one side of her face. "If fighting leads to death and destruction, how come we bother fighting in the first place?"

"That's-" Kira stopped, peering at her puzzled. "That's-"

"-perfectly clear, Kira," Sasuke-san cut in, sharp electric eyes shocking Sei's deep blue. "We fight to keep Soul Society safe. Shinigami risk their lives to protect Rukongai and Seireitei from Hollow and Arrancar attacks-"

"But what about the outer Districts?" Sei inquired almost pleadingly.

Ito-sama coiled. Sei was not so easily excitable, and the fact that she was stirring now could not be a sign of her regular cheeriness. This was not good.

"Ichinamori-"

"I've seen entire towns blown to pieces," she continued despite her sensei's warning. "I've seen villages torn apart- and not from Hollows..."

"_Ichinamori-_"

Her voice steadily grew louder. "You say fighting causes death but proceed to say it's okay to kill anyone else as long as we're protecting our own people- is that it? And yet you can't even seem to accomplish that- is that true?"

"_Sei!_"

"-_so excuse me_, Vice Captain Sasuke." The very reiatsu in the air diminished suddenly, rolling off her robes and rippling her hair.

_She's absorbing it, _Sasuke realized in awe, peering at her own hand, where her black reishi was being sucked into Ichinamori, concentrating into her heating hand.

"...but I'm afraid I just don't quite agree with you."

"_Ichinamori Sei, _return to the barracks, please," Ito-sama commanded tersely, glancing nervously at the representatives' white faces and her students shifting uncomfortably from the drain of reiatsu. "I will not tolerate such disrespectful behavior towards a Captain and Vice Captain in my class. Now apologize."

Sei cradled her left hand and cast a morose eye to Kira's startled one before settling her view upon the sword in her lap.

"I...apologize, Captain Kira, Vice Captain Sasuke."

Before sheathing her blade, strapping it around her middle, and departing the courtyard, her left hand burning with reiatsu all the way.

* * *

_East Rukongai had nothing Sei remembered but cold. _

_Giant forests crawling with demons and Hollows a thin barrier away mingled with the bright-burning villages. It was a dice roll who lived and who died; towns alight with fires one day could be easily quenched by nightfall. _

_The barrier this far from Seireitei was weak. Hollows were sometimes seen staring at citizens from beyond the thin wall of reiatsu, and once, a Menos Grande had cracked the barrier with one giant white boot, and fired a bright red cero into the trees before screaming and running off again._

_She had a family there. Her grandmother, father, and baby brother lived in a small hut whose thatched straw roof would frost over each morning. _

_The village was too small to steal from, but too big to grow desperate enough to work together with others. _

_ And it was always so cold._

* * *

"OY! Ichinamori!"

Sei opened her eyes. A canopy of green leaves sparkled above her, and the warm bark of the tree pressed familiarly against her back.

She wondered for moment if it was the spirit of her sword finally coming out to speak to her, but puzzled over how loud it was- and why it sounded so much like Senri.

"_What was up with today?_ Get down here!"

She glanced down. It _was _Suzuki Senri. He'd been her closest friend at Shin'o Academy after they were placed into an accelerated kidou class together, and she'd immediately been drawn in by his cocky, candid, but endearing nature. His normally content face wore a scowl, and his bronze hair flashed sharply in the sun. He had (to him) an annoyingly weak chin, a splash of pale freckles, and a pair of steely gray eyes.

Sei tumbled off the branch.

"OY!" Senri reached to catch her, but Ichinamori gracefully tumbled into a roll, landing with her legs splayed out, and turning her face up to grin at her friend.

"Hi. Wassup?"

"Don't play coy," he grumbled, gruffly grabbing her hand and leading her back towards the barracks. "Ito-sensei was miffed at that, and the Captain was acting like you killed his cat. What was with you?" he paused to run an aggravated hand through his messy bronze hair and peered at her with dull gray eyes.

"You're never worked up about crap- unless it has to do with fighting. And this time you've really done it, Sei. What is it with Rukongai that makes you-"

"That's irrelevant," Sei frowned, pulling her hand out of his. "That's-"

"-none of my business? Save it; you've told me that before."

"Because it isn't."

"Look, Sei," he took her left hand; she automatically recoiled- it was her still-burning hand. Senri scowled. "Look. I overheard the senseis after class; they think something's strange. About your reiatsu." He caught the subconscious glance she cast towards her agitated palm.

"They think it might have to do you your _earlier _life. You know..." he continued gently, "from _before _Rukon?"

Ichinamori's mouth opened and closed, before creasing into a line. "No; it has _nothing _to do with that life."

All she had before the academy was the cold in East Rukongai, and nothing before that seemed important anymore. All she had was being pushed to survive, up until that moment when that man saved her and brought her to become a shinigami.

"You know, I was from outer Rukon too," he responded crossly, dropping her hand. "You're not the only one with a sad story."

For a moment, she felt guilty- guilty for focusing on her own sorrows and selfishness, guilty for forgetting what Senri had faced in Southern Rukongai, guilty for mourning her own family and seeking their justice that she'd forgotten many others sought the exact same thing.

Was she supposed to explain what had driven her to say those things in Jinzen class earlier? That sometimes, a strange voice in her head whispered doubts in her ear?

Normal Sei didn't argue with captains- but normal Sei didn't hear murmuring voices either. Why did Senri always have to try and figure out _everything_? Screw him- screw the truth.

"I said to _stop it_," Sei snapped instead, wavy hair rippling one side of her face. Another bout of reiatsu poured into her body, immediately transferring to her left palm.

It burned as she held in the reishi, and Senri's face twisted into surprise, watching as it seeped slowly out into the air. He was judging her, she knew.

She held it in, pressure building like steam in a teapot, hating this tendency of hers- hating the way reishi would collect into her hands when she was agitated, hated the way it made her the odd-one-out and disconnected.

Ichinamori quickly released it, unable to withhold it anymore, dispelling into one energy flow that rippled the air. It hit Suzuki like a wave; he doubled over as if punched. Sei's eyes widened.

"_Senri-_"

"-You know, Sei," was all he stated through heavy breathing, "if you don't like the past, live in the present. And if you can't do that, waste away in memories- see who'll care."

She felt a slight pang of guilt as he pushed open the door to the cafeteria, letting it slam roughly into her face.

* * *

_"You're special, Sei," he said, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You'll never be normal as them- it's something you're not destined to be. But be proud, because your gifts are unique and powerful: more than they'll ever know." _

_ Ichinamori stared from the white-robed man to the empty destruction around her._

_ "Tell you what. Come to the shinigami academy with me. When you graduate, I'll put you in my squad. Trust me, Sei," Captain Aizen smiled, taking her burning hand in his own. _

"_You will find a new place to belong."_

* * *

Ichinamori rubbed her sore hand tiredly. Especially after kidou training, her left palm- _always _her stinking _left_- burned with leftover reiatsu.

"I have to ask sensei about it," she mumbled, turning the corner to the cafeteria for some lunch before evening Jinzen, when someone crashed into her, tumbling Sei against the wall and clattering her books onto the ground.

"Ah, very sorry," someone automatically responded, bending over to pick up her study books.

A pale hand slid a novella into her hands. A pair of doleful blue eyes met her sparkling ones.

"Ah-ah, Captain Kira," Ichinamori blanched, uncomfortable from the previous experience from just yesterday- and how close his long bangs were to tickling her face.

"Ah. You are...Ito's student," he responded flatly, absentmindedly fingering his haori again like he had been yesterday.

"Ichinamori Sei, sir," she bowed, a blotchy pink creeping over her cheeks as her book fell out of her arms again.

He didn't seem to notice or care. "You were the one...who argued with Sasuke."

"Yes, sir." Her palm began to heat up with reishi in agitation, even under the weight of the books. "I'm glad and eager to fight for the things I believe in."

Kira blinked in surprise once, before his usual morose expression returned. "That's better than the rest of us." He finally bent to pick up her thin book from the ground again, glancing at the title before slipping it onto her pile.

"Poetry, huh?"

The captain started walking with his usual shuffle down the hall; Sei wondered for a minute whether he actually wanted her to answer the question or not. She hesitated for a moment before running to catch up to him.

"Yes, sir."

"You enjoying it?"

"Yes, sir. I do." A pause. Then, "You write haiku too, don't you Captain Kira?"

A pained look passed over his face like she'd just punched an old bruise.

"If you would," he responded bitterly. His mellow blue eyes stayed trained ahead. "Please don't call me Captain."

Ichinamori's eyes widened. She abruptly turned forward. "Ah- yes...of course...sir."

Another pause.

"And you can stop calling me sir, too." His mouth quirked upwards a millimeter. The effect lifted his whole face for a brief moment.

Ichinamori hid her grin.

"Yes...Kira-san..."

The halls were empty this time of day, most students and teachers either outside for recreation or in the dining hall for lunch. Watery sunlight poured in through the wooden paneled windows, and it illuminated her pale skin, making them both seem like ghosts- though they both _were _ghosts, weren't they?

"You wrote "The Persimmon Tree" last year in Seireitei Communications, didn't you?" she asked, pushing open the door outside. "I loved that piece, though I never really understood; is persimmon a symbol for something? Or...?"

"Persimmon's a fruit."

She nodded solemnly before realizing her was teasing her.

"Ah," Sei smiled, causing him to glance at her sheepishly, like he didn't usually crack jokes. "Ah-yes, I understand it's a fruit- but why _persimmon _of all things...and fruits?"

Kira's brief light mood vanished as he kicked up a pile of fallen needles. "No particular reason," he responded rather unenthusiastically. "It was in honor of the Third Division as their new captain."

_Oh right. Ichimaru Gin planted persimmon trees._

His own sadness brought with it a feeling of loneliness. In East Rukon, she'd been lonely too. Especially after her family died by Aizen's hands. And she understood that if she should feel anger at anyone, it should be Aizen- but all she could think to blame was the Gotei 13, who failed their job to protect Soul Society.

_Then why are you even here training to be one of them? _The alien voice that caused her to argue in Jinzen class whispered. _Why are you here? _

Stop. Stop whispering. Stop it.

Ichinamori realized with a start that the Captain was staring at her.

"I'm sorry," Kira said miserably. "Matsumoto says I bring everyone down nowadays." He sat down dejectedly under one of the school's cherry trees, all blossoms long since blown away.

"It's hard not to spread grief," she agreed, crossing her legs and leaning against the same tree so she wouldn't have to look at him.

_That voice again. _

Kira continued, "You sound well-versed in this subject."

"I was sorted to District 80 in East Rukongai when I died," she said, appreciating the change of subject and noting how easily it felt to say it now...whether because she had her guard down or because it was in his company- she couldn't tell. "I had a grandmother who was the oldest in our village, a father who was the strongest, and a little brother who was the youngest."

A faint smile found her face.

"It was easy for little battles to spark up every once in a while where we were from- but we lived in the outskirts of an outskirted village, so we were okay, most of the time."

A few pangs struck inside her.

Kira echoed, "Most of the time?"

"They...all died in the Barrier Failure last year. They weren't reborn like if they'd been killed by Hollows. They weren't even eaten by the Menos that broke the barrier- they were absorbed by Aizen." She wrapped her arms securely around her knees like it would keep her anchored.

"I had planned on telling others about the hougyoku in an audience of the Gotei 13, but he..." Ichinamori bit her lip. "...vanished before I could."

She heard Kira sigh deeply. "You know it's not your fault."

"I know. It's just...I just..."

That dark whisper again:

_...hate shinigami like you for not being there when I needed you. _

"...wonder if there was anything I could have done," he finished for her. "I know. And they say not to live in the past, but...what's the future if you've nothing to look back on anymore?"

Ichinamori muffled the voice in her head, closing her eyes to try and block it out.

"I...guess that's a way you can see it. But it's not how I see it. I think I wonder sometimes what it is we want to fight for," she sighed, feeling something prick her eyes. "I wonder...why Aizen did what he did...even though the Gotei 13..."

She felt Izuru shift.

"It's hard, sometimes," he shrugged. "You never really know what will happen. Only...who you want to protect." Sei's mouth wobbled a bit as his words grew grander. "We work so hard to protect the ones we have.

But then...you think about the dead ones...the betrayed..."

Her hint of happiness vanished.

What was wrong with Kira? She blinked away tears again, cursing her own sensitivity, her own weakness.

Why couldn't he realize he was leaking sadness and grief into everyone else by being this way? Why couldn't he _do something about it_?

Why couldn't he hide it like everyone else had to?

"Kira-san, I've only ever seen you sad or depressed," she stated crossly, any pretense of shyness gone. "You focus on the bad things so much. At least you know Gin's still alive. A traitor and a rebel, but still alive. Unlike..."

_No bodies left. _

_Just trickles of reiatsu, and the evil man extending his hand to her- and her reaching out to take it. _

_Because what else was there? The constant pain in her stomach? The hollow ache in her chest? The burning energy trapped in her hand? _

_Was there nothing for her past confusion?_

_Was there anything besides it?_

"I...am sorry, Captain Kira," Sei murmured miserably. "I just pulled a Senri on you."

He made no comment apart from: "A what?"

"A Senri. He likes to make my problems seem small compared to the rest of the world." It started out as an insult, but now that she thought about it, pulling a Senri seemed like a pretty wise thing to do.

"Things like that...make you feel..._humbled_," Sei continued slowly. "Senri's very humble. And kind. He likes to think about others a lot." Here she turned her head to peer at Kira thoughtfully. "I think you'd like him, Kira-san. You could remind me a lot of each other."

Sei thought about his bronze hair and how he smiled at her in kidou class this morning when he mastered a new spell...then turned away like he remembered he wasn't allowed to do something like that anymore.

Kira shifted to turn to meet her wet eyes, sending a tingling to her left palm. She clenched it shut and buried it into the dirt; that was yet another thing that buried her- the strangeness surrounding her reiatsu. But here and now, it didn't seem to matter so much.

"Ichinamori-san," he started with a fresh tone, like he was finally sensing her own sadness besides his own and willing to move past it- at least, for this moment...which really was all it took.

"Do _you_ write poetry?"

Something like a smile tickled her lips. "Yes, I do, Kira-san. Not as well as you though, I suppose. No persimmons."

It was easier to talk to him about light things like this. She hadn't had a discussion with anyone about poetry for a long time (Senri found it dull), and even though he was a captain, Kira didn't carry the heaviness others seemed to always find upon their backs.

His weight, however, was the one inherited from Gin- but now, it seemed like it lifted, the tiniest bit...and the noose around her own neck loosened the slightest degree.

He peered at her, head angled so she could see both of his cornflower eyes, one in the shadow of his bangs, but still two, wide, wide open. Not dead-looking, like what others might have seen, but alive and hopeful- at least, for this moment.

"Maybe. I'd love to read them sometime."

Sei laughed even though what he said was not the slightest bit humorous. "I don't write haiku, I'm afraid. Mostly just try-hard sonnets finding new ways to rhyme, sometimes songs that try to sound better with music than as poetry."

Kira gazed at her with a light smile. "If they're anything like you, I'm sure they're very well-written."

It was a casual comment- just another compliment- but it made Sei want to cry.

_She _was a good person? She, who wanted to-

-_rip out the lives of shinigami for justice?_

A hand flew to her face, burning warm in fear of accidentally saying a word- a whisper..._anything-_ out loud. She caught a brief look of surprise and concern in Kira's eyes, before a black butterfly suddenly fluttered in front of her face, saving her.

"_Ichinamori Sei,_" it stated, flapping its gossamer wings against the breeze and almost stroking her whitened face. "_Orders from the Gotei 13: please report to the Fourth Division barracks immediately._"


	2. There's Something Wrong With Me

**I know: fast updates! Yay! I personally think this story gets along much better- I'll take pairing suggestions? **

**Please review!**

* * *

"_If this is just a game_

_Why am I losing everything?_

_And I'm no judge; I can't decide_

_If I should make myself alright_

_When no one tells the difference_

_Bother all the inference."_

_ Ichinamori Sei- "Take Me Home"_

The Fourth Squad barracks were clean and well-lit, feeling more like a center for hospice care than an infirmary. The butterfly led her to a private room away from the injured hall, and told her wait before dissolving into black reishi.

Sei idly sucked it in and out of her hand, feeling her palm tingle and relax, tingle and relax.

Luckily, Kira hadn't the time to ask her what was so surprising when he was pulled away by a subordinate, casting a look in her direction while she stared stoically ahead.

What would she have said, anyway? Her hand constantly burned uncontrollably from reishi when she was upset? A strange voice in her head was telling her to hate shinigami because her family died?

_Justice..._

What did that even mean?

When she grew tired of standing, she sat on the lone bed in the room. After a while, she pulled out her sword.

"Speak to me, why don't you," Sei said. "Ito-sensei says zanpakutou get lonely sometimes, and shinigami should talk to their swords because we're always together and one being. Not even Senri understands me anymore."

She stared at the katana. It had a plain black circular hilt, triangles cut out of it like spokes of a wheel. Ribbons of cyan wound around the hilt, clasped still by squares of bronze that fit comfortably between her fingers.

Sei balanced it the way Ito-sensei taught them to and closed her eyes.

"_The path to your inner world cannot be taught," her teacher explained, unsheathing her own short dagger and placing it in front of her. "It's like the name of your zanpakutou- you first must be open to it before you hear it."_

_Well, I'm open_, she thought, squeezing her eyes closed. _I'm listening. _

"Ah, Ichinamori-san."

Sei opened her eyes.

"Welcome," Captain Unohana smiled. "We just have a brief health check for you today. As you understand, we often randomly select freshmen to test new health antidotes and other spiritual formulas; all developed by our Twelfth Division and very safe. Please sit still for a moment." Her braid rustled as she turned around.

Sei sheathed her blade and wondered for a moment what this was- a strength or mental stimulant like the one Senri's gotten a few months ago?

Before she could think to be inquisitive, something wet and green dripped onto the back of her hand.

"I believe that's enough of the shinten mixture," the Captain smiled, screwing the lid back on the bottle hidden in her sleeve. Her words reached for Sei through water before she fell back onto the bed. "Now just sleep for a while, Ichinamori-san," she cocked her head and gave a reassuring nod, attaching something heavy around her wrist.

"Captain Kurotsuchi made this formula so you'll be in good company."

Her first thought was that she still had her eyes closed.

The blackness was unbroken except for large shapes darker than the rest. They stretched like pillars melting into the black sky. The inky landscape encompassed as far as she could see- which wasn't very far.

Something rustled. Sei slowly drew her sword, hating the scraping noise it made crawling out of its sheath.

"Who's there?"

Whispers of wind rustled the air, and the whole sky seemed to shift. Something slipped past her face. She started, impaling it quickly. Ichinamori shakily pulled the leaf off her sword.

_Leaves? _

As if in answer, the dark pillars adjusted to her eyes finally, and the trees shuddered in a new bout of wind.

"And trees?" _Forest..._

"I'm surprised."

The voice cut through sharply in the wind.

Sei trembled, but pointed her zanpakutou away from herself.

"You can hear my voice but still don't recognize it, Sei Ichinamori."

A dim reiatsu leaked into her mind. The wind howled again, biting her skin and blowing her hair into her face. It came from a few trees, and suddenly, the world lightened a degree. The outline of a woman stepped out.

"Hm," she started, silhouetted hands deep in the pockets of a short dress. "You seem confused. It _is_ confusing though," she agreed, stepping towards Sei. "Things are so dark, and I can hardly feel my own reiatsu in all this wind. Now, we don't have much time-"

A sudden gale shredded her words apart, bringing down a new storm of leaves, peppering Ichinamori's face and arms, which she desperately held up to shield her face and neck.

Her left palm tingled as reishi swirled in the wind, dancing around her.

The woman turned, hair rustling. She sighed, as if tired, and stooped her shoulders. "He doesn't want me to talk to you, Sei."

"Who doesn't? This is my inner world, isn't it?" Her voice cracked. "Who else is in here?"

Her hands trembled; she balled them into fists around her katana.

Her zanpakutou shook her head gently. "It doesn't matter now. What matters now is that you must understand this; I am your friend, Sei. That voice you hear...whispering to you of justice...is not your friend."

Ichinamori gasped, hands shaking- she gripped them harder, brass clasps on the hilt digging into her fingers.

_Not her friend... _she had figured as much.

"And you need to understand what it is that you are fighting for.

That's something strong enough...it will be strong enough..." the woman muttered, mostly to herself.

She turned to leave-

"W-wait!" Sei stumbled forward in the darkness, placing her now burning hand onto the woman's arm. "What's...your name?"

That faintest flicker of shadows on her face hinted a smile.

"I am-"

Reiatsu flooded the whole sky.

Sei's hand suddenly erupted into fire, uncontrollable, as reishi washed through her body, desperate for a way out: her single hand.

With a mighty crack, a tree fell a meter away from her, scattering needles and dirt, pelting her with debris. Wind pushed and drowned her, ripping her billowing sleeves and bellowing through Sei's ears.

She screamed, falling to her knees, covering her head with her arms- anything to drown the deafening roar and stop the burning pain in her arm.

The fingers on her left hand were being incinerated by a bright blue glow. The light trailed like fire up her forearm. The very air seemed to vacuum towards it- she gasped, unable to breathe through the pain and the wind, unable to stand or fight or think: just find a way to _push it all away _or find a way to_ die_.

It flared up in her palm, and she felt a ripple of energy passing through her body; she automatically pointed it upwards to the sky, shielding her eyes as a giant blast of energy shot up and exploded into the darkness; lighting the blackness for a moment and engulfing the canopy of leaves in brilliance, shredding her entire arm with flames and ripping the very wind into millions of small trickles of air.

Blue light danced in her vision.

Her hand dulled, falling limp and buzzing at her side.

The woman was gone. Tiny rivulets of wind bumped into her skin. The burnt leaves parted to reveal a sky of stars.

She stared up, shocked for a second by the numbing pain and the strange familiarity of her surroundings; Sei'd never seen such stars through the canopy before, but there was no mistake.

This was District 80 of Eastern Rukongai, recreated tree to darkness in her inner world's eyes.

"What on Earth was _that_?" Sei demanded, still shaking as Insane did her best to calm her down.

"Nothing of that magnitude was supposed to happen," the Vice Captain stuttered, beaded braids shivering as she shook her head dumbly. "We...have no explanation." Her lip quivered, and her face was so desperate-looking Sei automatically felt her rare moment of anger dissipate, numbness coming to cover its absence. "We...we have no idea what happened- I apologize profusely, Ichinamori-san."

Captain Unohana walked in, kind face creased into a look of seriousness. She frowned at the broken reiatsu meter still smoking from where it had blown off of Sei's wrist.

"The serum was meant to be a practice formula to synchronize wavelengths of your inner and outer world to make it easier to connect with your zanpakutou," she explained. "We had no idea your inner world would turn so...turbulent."

Sei said nothing, staring at her feet hanging off the bed.

_Not normal. Everyone's inner world was different, but that was most certainly not normal._ _And that brilliant energy-_

She clenched her left hand hard into the mattress.

_-what was happening?_

"You understand this was random," the captain continued, casting Ichinamori a sympathetic look. "We tend to select the freshmen for tests such as these because their inner worlds are not as developed and easier to impact. But yours," here she folded her hands tightly into her haori, "yours, Ichinamori-san, is surprisingly well-developed, like...your zanpakutou has lived in you for years, not simply began developing upon your entrance to the academy four months ago.

Even that hilt..." Captain Unohana made a circle in the air.

"The physical appearance of a zanpakutou is usually the last thing to be impacted. Your inner world may just be developing backwards, but that only occurs on very rare occasions, when..." she paused, touching her own zanpakutou, then continued gingerly. "On rare occasions...such as in the case of Zaraki Kenpachi."

Sei nodded; not in understanding, but just because there was nothing else to do.

Her hand burning with reiatsu...that voice whispering for her to become a traitor...her sword warning her to find what she was fighting for...it was all too much. Much too much for Sei to handle.

"Don't worry so, Ichinamori-san," the captain smiled. "I'm sure Captain Kurotsuchi will sort things out. Now, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you for your time- I'll send for an escort-"

"Ah- that's fine, Captain Unohana," Ichinamori cut in quietly. "I'd...like to walk, if that's all right."

Her eyes creased as if sad for a moment before descending into comforting crescents again.

"Of course. Take care, Ichinamori-san."

"Yes...yes, thank you, Captain Unohana, Vice Captain Insane." She left distractedly, hands buried deep into her pockets and zanpakutou bumping against her leg where it had done so familiarly since she first received it- now, it was a strange weight wrapped up around her waist.

Why did her hand burn like that? Was the energy a sign? Did it have to do with the strange voice inside her head?

"I don't want this," she mumbled, shuffling down the hall. "Why do bad things like this always happen to me?"

Right now, Sei thought miserably, she could really use someone to pull a Senri.

But at least the voice had quieted down.


	3. Drink Until You're Not Guilty

_The tree is weighed down by sorrows._

_Heavy blossoms glean_

_The best of the sakura._

_ Kira Izuru- "The Sakura Tree"_

It was raining.

Weather was usually controlled by the Twelfth Division, but with Aizen's departure, Hollow attacks were more frequent and reiatsu was being poured into the borders of Rukongai now instead of regulating weather.

Thunder rumbled, and sheets of rain stung Ichinamori's cheeks as she ran back to the barracks.

"Shoot," she cursed under her breath, darting under a building as the flood increased, filling every seam in the stones beneath her feet with water.

She rubbed her cold arms with equally clammy fingers. Ito-sama had required her to stay late for reiatsu training, and her stomach was rumbling from skipping dinner to practice. Controlling the energy pouring into her hand was becoming easier by regulating the flow of reishi _into_ her body...but she still had noticeable issues with the meters- though she'd thought that not blasting it apart was a step of improvement.

And it didn't help that Ito-sama kept making faces at her results. Her spiritual pressure seemed to fluctuate greatly with her mood, and would not remain constant for a checkpoint of two minutes straight.

So by the end, the reiatsu in the room was focused into one blazing palm, and she had stared darkly at her sensei until dismissal. The spiritual pressure meter read nearly zero- the meter was not made to calculate absorption, and had begun making strange whirring noises around her left wrist.

But it had finally remained constant for two minutes straight, as she seeped the reishi out of her fingers so it wouldn't explode from her like a dam.

Patters of water wet her sandals. This rain was curious, and while Sei usually loved rain, it lasted for only an instant until she was soaked to the bone and thoroughly sick of it.

Weather like this reminded her old cold Rukon, where it would snow more than not. It hadn't snowed yet in her time in Seireitei, though it had come awfully close when the Tenth Captain was practicing his Bankai in the academy training grounds.

She shivered under the building outcropping. A door slid open in the next building across the downpour, and a square of light exited, accompanied by sounds of laughter. The happy noise grated against her own mood, and Sei miserably fingered her limp auburn hair, contemplating whether it was worth it to run ten yards through the cold or wait dripping.

Suddenly, a person was thrown out into the rain.

"HAH! Git, Kira," someone slurred. "Cap'ns...Cap'ns gotta go back to their own Squads, ya gettit? Eh? _Cap'n_?"

Kira Izuru stumbled outside, face illuminated for a brief moment, before the door slid shut with a clang. Sei watched him stagger against the building.

She wondered if he was drunk.

Was he the type of person who would drink sake to compensate for something gone?

Gin was gone, and all that was left to drink was sake.

She felt terrible for finding that play-on-words even the slightest bit humorous.

Sei stepped out into the downpour, flash-stepping over to him, nearly slipping on the slick stones. Even though it took less than a second, cold rain still managed to seep into her loose red pants and drag them against the ground.

Kira gazed at her with cloudy eyes.

"Who're you?" His words slipped over one another.

"Sei Ichinamori," she responded dutifully. "From last week Jinzen class, and we talked together...about...poetry."

His cloudy eyes remained opaque.

"'Why do we fight?'" Sei prompted gently.

Recognition dawned on his face.

"Oh, you-you're Ito's student. We...talked under the sakura tree."

He didn't seem to mind the rain trailing down his haori. His blonde hair stuck to his face, hanging limp, and his lips were a thin line against his white skin. His blue eyes were downcast and hardened around the edges but wide open and alien in the middle, like something was trapped inside.

She felt almost sad- hadn't he seemed the even the slightest bit happier before? What happened to that lighter weight on his back?

_What about that noose around your own neck? _

Sei guiltily touched her collar.

_Hush, Sei. It's only me._

"Yes, sir. And you're Kira Izuru, Captain of the Third Division in the Gotei 13."

"Vice Captain," he responded automatically, before shaking his head. "No...no that's not right, is it?" Kira peered up at the dizzying sky patterned with raindrops.

"Now, Sei Ichinamori," he asked, face still upturned, "why _do _we fight?"

"I...don't know, sir." Wet hair cradled her face and the loose sleeves of her school robe were heavy on her body.

He gazed at her for a long time until she was positive the rain would dissolve her, and she would melt away.

"We fight...because there's nothing left to do," he finally said.

Knowing with quite a certain confidence he would not remember any of this the next day, she reached over and took his sword hand. It was calloused from training and she felt a thin scar run along the length of his palm.

"We're hopeless," she agreed. "Standing and staring into the rain."

"Getting soaked," he contributed glumly.

She thought not about her hand tingling now, and not the devastation of the towns in East Rukon- but the ones who were saved, children alive and well, laughing even. Maybe it wasn't so much the deaths that mattered- but the lives, and what she could do.

Maybe...it was about looking forward, out of the memories. If she didn't like the past, then she should simply live in the present.

That sounded familiar, didn't it?

"Sounds like Senri," she murmured.

"The one who's like me?" Kira slurred, staring incomprehensively at their interlocked hands.

"Yeah...he believes in life. And that's why I'm going to change things," Sei smiled, already feeling reishi flowing into her body from the rain and the air and Kira.

It gathered, strong and warm, into her hand; comfortable, for once, like a power for good.

"I'll fight to change things."

"That's noble," he agreed, letting go of her tingling hand to lean against the wall, weak reiatsu being drained even further by Ichinamori in her excitement.

Sei looked hard at Kira, not letting her be the scared one- the one to turn away first, for one. Instead, she stepped forward and held onto the loose edge of his haori.

"I'll fight...so people won't have to be sad anymore," she blinked, eyes clear. "I think...that's why I'll fight...and become stronger."

The doubtful voice whispered in her ear but this time made no sound over the pouring rain, her rushing excitement, and Kira's breathing next to her.

"That's noble," Kira mumbled again. "That's...what Gin fought for too."

* * *

"They say a zanpakutou's abilities are from your own," Nakamura-sensei stated quietly, weighing his own sword between his hands as the class watched patiently. His head was pale, and light yellow hair sat like dust across his head.

"We explored shikai and bankai forms of great shinigami through time and studied the merits of the zanpakutou. Sometimes your sword's form takes a shape similar to your own, but other times, it may be a result from pent up emotion.

Be prepared, students; as I mentioned last week, handling a burst of reiatsu is all about mental preparedness. Everyone's zanpakutou is immensely different, and this is my example." He placed the blade gingerly on his arm, running the flat side across his wrist.

"Snip, Saihō o rippingu."

The single blade split into two with a stir of reiatsu and disturbance among the students. The twin shears clicked together and apart like scissors.

"As you can see, students," Nakamura-sensei said, looking rather embarrassed, "my own Saihō o rippingu is a direct result of my stress. She is a melee-type zanpakutou. Nowadays, we try to train young shinigami to influence your zanpakutou with positivity so less "stress-induced" shikais are developed. Positivity, according to the Twelfth Division, branches most strongly from a strong reason to be a shinigami."

Sei leaned forward.

"So I want you all to wonder when you train and wield your swords: what is it that you believe in?"

* * *

Sometimes, students were allowed outside of the academy on special break days to explore the city. It was an annual treat- a break for teachers and students alike, for them to truly bask in Seireitei and witness real shinigami.

The only condition was that their zanpakutous were to be left in the barracks, and there would be no disrespectful or otherwise academy-shaming behavior- _particularly_ around seated officers, _especially _captains.

Usually, Sei would find Senri and they'd wander off to wade in the river off the Tenth Squad barracks or peer curiously into the various shops and odd-end stores set up at the outer ring of Seireitei.

Today, however, she was dubious that would be the scenario- what with her blowing out...but that was so long ago! Senri never would hold it against her to do something so stupid...or at least, he never had done so before. Was it possible that he was judging her because of her strange reiatsu wave?

Or...she dug her hands into her pockets...because she hurt him because of it?

Sei irritably French-braided half of her red hair across the back, letting the other half swing wavy down her cheek. She fastened two circular clips on either side before leaning into the mirror.

Ichinamori's had this same style since her entrance to the academy. It was quirky, asymmetrical, and uneven- a bit like her, really.

Minus the quirky.

She turned in her zanpakutou at the office and felt ready to be submitted to a day spent in the Seireitei library. Outside, it was warm, a few reminiscent clouds remaining from the rain a few nights ago. The library and hall of records was off near the First Division, far near the other side of Seireitei.

Sei stuck in the public streets, sticking out like a sore thumb in her bright red uniform among the other black-clad shinigami.

Her hand buzzed with agitation. She stifled it down to a numbness; Sei'd been working on controlling her reishi absorption, and she was going to master it by the time she graduated- she was certain.

Sei liked the library- it was huge and graceful, and always quiet, yet still buzzing with the noise of knowledge.

She shuffled, head low, to the section of books where she could usually find solace, when-

Sei crashed into someone, spilling their novels across the white tile.

"Very sorry," someone automatically replied, shuffling to gather the books.

_This felt familiar._

"Oh my. Kira-san," she said dumbly.

Kira glanced at her in surprise.

"A-ah. Ichinamori-san."

"Kira-san," Sei repeated dumbly.

"Hello," he smiled awkwardly, face relaxed for the first time she'd ever seen him. "How are you, Ichinamori-san?"

Sei finally had her senses regained and picked up a few of his scattered books. She wondered for a moment whether or not he remembered anything from that exchange in the rain...when she took his hand. _What kind of creepy person did that? _

"I'm doing alright, I suppose. Do you- ah, are you...?"

He glanced up gently, taking the books from her hand.

"...better? Yes. I'm better now."

She noticed how he didn't say _good _or _fine_- definite words. He was just doing _better_.

It was one word, but sounded like a lot.

Suddenly, she had nothing to think of saying.

Sei had never had a normal conversation with Kira before- he had either been miserable or drunk on the other two occasions.

_Maybe we should just get drunk, _she thought with a wry smile. _That'd work out well. _

"That's good," Ichinamori managed to say. "That you're feeling better, I mean. I mean, it's...a good thing." Sei nodded profusely. "You know...that you're feeling better..."

_Aren't you the eloquent one?_

"Thank you. It's good that you're..." Kira looked stumped for a second. "...fine, after Captain Kurotsuchi's test stimulus," he decided. "I heard about it, by the way," Kira peered at her with cornflower blue eyes, and Sei turned away, embarrassed. "It was presented as a part of the Captains' meeting for the Twelfth Division," Izuru continued. "Rather frightening results."

"Well, what did he say?" she asked, a tad bit apprehensive.

"Just that the reishi meter minimized then maximized in a short period of time," Kira reported. "He said he wanted new data from you and other freshmen."

Sei shuddered. "I'd...rather not."

Kira nodded understandingly. "Don't worry; we ruled against it. Captain Kurotsuchi'll have to manage with what he has now. But what with Aizen and the Espada, I'm not sure how much time he will have to explore it.

Don't worry, Ichinamori-san," he softened at her down-cast expression. "You won't have to go through that again while I'm here."

This time, it was he who was comforting her. Kira Izuru was becoming a real leader.

"Thank you, Kira-san," Sei smiled, dark blue eyes creasing into an expression of brief happiness.

Maybe it would be best to talk about something else.

"Now how are _you_ doing today?"

* * *

"_Cat's cradle?_"

Sei eyed him dubiously.

"Yes," Kira nodded profusely. His mellow face was so serious that she raised a hand to cover laughter.

"I...don't believe you, Kira-san." Sei shrugged hopelessly. "Sorry."

Izuru frowned slightly, searching for a piece of string anywhere. "It _is _a special skill," he insisted as Ichinamori shook her head, poorly covering a smile. "It _is_."

"Kira-san, I hardly count singing a special skill." Her thin shoulders shook with laughter, and her usually tired face sported a smile that lit up her whole body- made her sit up a bit taller, dark auburn hair glow brighter, polish wishing well eyes darker.

"Well, _I_ think it is," Kira looked down, seeming to finally realize what he was saying sounded like. He shook his head, frown wobbling for a moment. "It _is_; I swear it is. I'll prove it to you sometime."

"I look forward to it," Sei smiled meekly. It was easy to talk to him now- so much easier than before, now that they didn't seem to have such burdens now.

_I like this, _she thought.

_You should, _another voice apart from her own floated into her head, causing Ichinamori to panic, staring horrified at Kira's contented face.

Was that the voice again? It hadn't been speaking since the rain- her sword told her it'd go away if she was strong enough.

_Who was it?_

_Hush, Sei. It's only me._

"Now back to you," he continued, not noticing her spell. "_Hand-to-hand combat,_ you say?"

She blinked, then smiled at her hands. It wasn't like her to be shy, but more withdrawn. Despite that, no one would ever believe her when she said close fighting was something she enjoyed, until they watched her.

"It's a skill from East Rukon," Sei stated. "My father taught me how to kill a hollow with a single kick." The word father sent a small shiver of memory through her, but not enough to leave her paralyzed like how it used to.

"That's impressive," Kira drawled, sprawling his arm across the chair. "_But_..."

Her heart jumped to her throat.

"...it's got _nothing _on cat's cradle."

Ichinamori didn't bother covering up her burst of laughter. "You're funny, Kira-san. You should do that more often."

"That what?"

"That...that _thing_," she pointed at him as if the answer were perfectly obvious.

"And you should do _that thing _more often, too," he replied, pointing at her smile.

Sei blinked.

"What thing?"

The bell tower rang twice outside the tall windows.

"I have to go," Sei panicked; all students were to return by the third chiming to sparring rounds, and she still had to retrieve her sword and practice Jinzen. "Thank you very much, Kira-san," she bowed politely.

"Goodbye, Ichinamori-san."

Sei shuffled away quickly, before running through the air of Seireitei.

Inside the library, Kira was just beginning to open the first book, when he heard bickering coming from behind a nearby bookcase.

"_Shhh. Be quiet_."

"OW! You're stepping on my _hair;_ you're stepping on my hair!"

"Shut up, Renji."

"Be _quiet._"

"Wait- I don't see him anymore..."

"What are you all doing here?"

Kira asked, face gloomy, looking like a murderer with his bangs playing dark shadows across his face as he towered above their crouched forms.

"EEEK. Uh..." Matsumoto, Renji, and Hisagi said in unison.

"Well, you see..." Renji started, scratching the band around his forehead.

"...we saw that Kira-san doesn't usually seem to get around..." continued Matsumoto, tracing innocuous circles with her finger.

"...so we thought we should...witness this occasion," Hisagi finished, all three grinning up with hopeful bright smiles.

"Ehh?" Izuru waved his hand tiredly and turned away. "Well, if that's the case..."

"...?"

"You're...okay with this?"

"OF COURSE NOT!" Kira spun around, face exasperated. "ARE YOU ALL STALKERS NOW?"

"Uh...yes?" Matsumoto grinned.

He sighed, cloudy demeanor returning. "Fine. Just leave me out of it."

Matsumoto scrambled to her feet.

"But that girl-"

Kira turned to her tiredly. "What about her?"

"EH? Weren't you two just...?" She made little scissor motions with her fingers.

"No," he retorted glumly. "We just keep bumping into one another, is all."

She blinked. "But-"

They had been talking for an hour.

Didn't he seem the least bit happier before?

"Matsumoto," Hisagi's voice was low, as he put a hand on her shoulder. "We should return; you're captains probably looking for you."

"Ah- mm." Rangiku turned, a tad bit troubled. "Captain's always looking for me. By the way, Kira-san," she flicked a wink in his direction. "We're all going drinking tonight; want to join?"

"Ah, sure," he said, face turning relieved at the prospect of some escape. "Sure- I'd love to."

* * *

Sei nursed a new bruise from sparring practice today.

She had won, defending her short streak, but before landing a knock-out punch in the jaw, Rin managed to jab her in the arm with her wooden katana before K. . Ichinamori's watched Rin gather with friends and throw dirty looks at Sei- who stood off, alone, polishing her sore fist.

It was times that like she felt lonelier than ever.

_Will you speak to me, spirit of the zanpakutou?_

She half-expected that voice to sound again- the familiar one.

_Hush, Sei. It's only me._

No such luck. Ichinamori sighed. She missed Senri. Maybe she could apologize? But what if he didn't forgive her? Was Senri that kind of person?

_If you don't have faith in yourself, at least have faith in your friends._

Sei buzzed excitedly, unsheathing her sword.

"It's you!"

_Yes, it's me. Do you know why I'm choosing now to speak to you?_

"No...not really."

_I need you to be strong now, Sei. _

"What?"

_I just need you to be strong. _

"Why? _Why?_" she grasped the hilt hard, peering at her own reflection. "Come back! I have questions-"

A blood-curdling scream pierced the halls.

Reiatsu flooded down, nearly smothering her- Sei ran out of her room, staring around at all of her other peers who looked around in confusion. She caught Senri's gray eyes across the corridor, before the entire wall next to her was blown away and a Hollow erupted from the smoking debris.

Screams echoed down the hall as freshmen went running; the monster slashed them down remorselessly, and the ones who managed to run free had slashes across their bodies.

Sei froze, cowering against the door. How was it here? How did it appear in Seireitei so easily?

A shinigami rushed in quickly from the explosion in the wall.

"Get back! All of you!" he barked, unsheathing his katana and running two fingers along the edge. "Writhe-"

The Hollow stabbed him through the chest, blade sailing neatly between two ribs. As the body fell, the monster cocked its head at the blood on its sword, as if transfixed. It took a step forward- a sleek white boot touched the tile. It almost resembled a shinigami, but with close-fitting white robes and a shining blank mask on its face. The sleek katana gleamed in a gloved hand.

_Arrancar. _

Suddenly, as if in reply, it turned its head towards Sei. Her fingers registered no hold on her sword- her mind could not remember any kidou spells- her feet couldn't even flash-step away.

_Hush, Sei._

_I need you to be strong._

How?


End file.
